Are You a Bully?
by Robyn Tellefsen

Photo by Sandy Kavalier

Who hasn't talked about a friend behind her back, or heard false rumors about herself circling the halls? Let's face it, girls -- we've all been there. I remember being told in elementary school that no one really liked me, but then in junior high going along with the popular crowd and making fun of a good friend.

That's what Rachel Simmons writes about in her book Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (Harcourt, 2002). "When most people think of bullying, they think of the stocky boy in the schoolyard who's going to take your lunch money -- not a charming, popular girl," she says.

And that's part of the problem, affirms Simmons, so she's trying to show us that bullying includes what she calls "alternative aggression" -- non-physical and indirect behaviors, like the silent treatment and rumor spreading, that we've all experienced, including Simmons.

"When I was eight years old, my girlfriend made all the other girls run away from me and isolate me," she recounts. "I was devastated by it." Then, when she was 14, her crowd wouldn't talk to one of her friends, and Simmons went along with it. "I was terrified not to," she explains. "It was very important to me to be popular -- I had fought tooth and nail to get there."

While many people just smile and say "girls will be girls," and "that's the way it is," you know the truth -- the whispering and backstabbing often hurt worse than a slap in the face. But is the bullying as prevalent as Simmons suggests?

Newsweek doesn't think so. In June, they ran "Meet the Gamma Girls," a cover story designed to show the world that not all girls are backstabbers -- many are emotionally healthy and secure. Simmons doesn't dispute that point. But, she says, even the healthiest of us deal with issues of aggression, and it's time to stop sweeping them under the rug and pretending everything is okay.

"All girls feel aggression and anger," she insists. "It's like breathing and sleeping -- you can't not get angry." The problem is that when girls get angry, many of us feel we can't show it. "Aggression is considered a violation of our code of conduct," she explains. "We don't make it safe for girls to be angry, because we say that being a good girl is being a nice girl."

Since Simmons contends that conflict is inevitable, even for "nice girls," she offers some advice for dealing with your friends and your emotions:

• Open up. "Tell your friends directly when you're upset with them," advises Simmons. "Try not to talk about them behind their backs." And definitely don't fight over IM or e-mail, she warns. "That's a dangerous method."

• Don't be scared. Simmons reminds us that everyone is afraid of conflict at some level, but fights can be a lot worse and last a lot longer when they're not dealt with directly.

• Go outside. When you need to confide in someone about problems with a friend, make sure you're talking to someone outside your clique, instructs Simmons. And while you're at it, try to get involved in activities outside your group, too.

• Seek help. "If you're in trouble, talk to someone about it," counsels Simmons. You might think the issue is too petty to bring to an adult, but she emphasizes that most times, it isn't.

If you're struggling with issues of aggression, take heart: "Most girls feel this way," reassures Simmons. "You're not alone."